i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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