I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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