On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
