Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
