I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
