my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This baby is an asshole
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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