when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
