At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
