you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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