3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
