there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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