you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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