3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
