im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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