8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
