The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
