i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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