Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
