I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I need a beard to bite.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
