I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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