Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
