Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
