Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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