I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
