I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
