I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
BRING THE BAGELS
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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