I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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