Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
