Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
