I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
