when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
