I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
