I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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