my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
