Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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