Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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