so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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