i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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