I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
