This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
