So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
