It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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