Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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