I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
