No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
