sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
