Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
