Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
