please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
