You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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