We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Found the puke drawer
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
