But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she told me i tasted like america
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
