And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i think my cat just said my name.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
