I think my fart just growled at me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
