if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
